For whatever nutty reason, I decided to create an online personal ad, right around the New Year. My "profile" is about as doofy as they come. It's impossible to write something "normal" on those things, and I don't profess to be anything but a complete nerd. I purposely wrote a bunch of stuff to scare away the scaries. But it didn't work. Needless to say, my inbox provides daily entertainment and sometimes a form of terror. If there is a good guy in the mix, I wouldn't be able to find him. The surrounding noise is too much. In all of it, 'Lord help us' is all I can say. I'm thinking the problem is, the heroes are out in the world fixing the problems, while guys with problems are online all day emailing strangers. But alas, maybe I'm too picky.
Can someone please let me know, is chivalry dead?
For those of us women gutsy enough to enter the online fray, I've only been online a week, here's a very small sampling of the electronic spray fire...running for cover is the best option.
I begin with this one, what a nice intro eh?
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This next one I have to ask him, what's wrong with the two you have, or I'm guessing you're offering to pay for a third?
Loads of guys write similar to what this man wrote..."It's taking me a long time to grow up but I can see it from here. Looking for someone I like to look at."
Or...this man who is states in his profile his absolute, non-negotiable requirements for his woman: "You are VERY ATTRACTIVE (Yes, I said that and very-much mean it)" then writes he has "grown up". The growing up part might actually be believable if he had left off the CAPITAL LETTER requirements and that he "very much meant it" (most men do). And, if he didn't pose with a background image of "Thomas the Tank".
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I have no words for this, and no words for him, except that I'm wondering if he is rubbing his stomach 'cause he has the flu?
Nipple pinching seems to be this guy's favorite pasttime. I think we can guess why there is a woman's fist next to his head.
This one pleads in his ad, "NO DUDES PLEASE!!" If he put his shirt on, stopped leaning forward like a girl in a cute outfit, he might have fewer gay guys in pursuit.
Speaking of that, the men seem to really Loooooooooooooooooove taking their shirts off. Having chivalry, I think, could involve arriving in our inbox with your clothes on. The first one tells me he's "easy on the eyes".
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And taking your pants off for us? hmmm.....
Another one wielding a weapon, nice to know he can use whatever's lying around to swing at us. How sweet.
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The next two I think were just a typo. I think they meant to put, "man seeking men" instead.
Oh yesssss, pleasssse, sssssstop.
Are there women with man-foot fetishes?
Then I get a random interior picture. Maybe he's telling me he likes to fish?
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Looks like I get four men in one on this one, none of which look too alluring.
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Gotta love this one, for his honesty, who writes..."This teddy bear needs someone to keep his back warm. Where is Pooh's honey?"
Then there are the MULTITUDES upon MULTITUDES of men who think you can pick up a woman by posing with NFL Cheerleaders. I've narrowed the sample set for you to those sportin' the color purple. Lord help 'em, you're the only one left who can.
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Then there is always the guy coming out the bathroom, at least he's not holding a magazine full of NFL Cheerleaders.
At this point, I feel the same as this Indian, which one man sent to me. Praying to the heavens, help save this planet earth from aliens.
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Then I also got a monkey clock sent to my inbox from a prospective lover...."time's up" for online dating is what I'm thinking.
Then another guy, this time golfing, without a shirt on. Don't most respectable courses have rules, "Keep your shirt on"? Or maybe he's like so many guys on match who list skinny dipping in public as their favorite pasttime.
Then a guy sent me his leg.
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Oh no, here comes one of the guys that somehow got suckered into believing that he was posing with the real Bond Girls.
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I use to be a gymnast so I had to be somewhat impressed with this guy, who is nearly posing exactly like Nadia Comaneci when she ended her perfect 10 Olympic Floor Exercise. It might be more masculine if he didn't point his toe like she did.
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Then it's what they write...
"I'm just saying if you think more of your cat than you do your man than you SUCK!!" (I don't have a cat so maybe I'm in luck?)
Here's one whose prior girlfriends clearly had problems with hygiene, "Nothing is more of a turn-off than a person with terrible teeth and food in between their teeth and who won't do anything about it because they just don't care...What is wrong with flossing and multiple hot baths/showers?"
Do you understand this? "Iwas installing an air conditioner in the bottom floor window of my house and it was a little crooked. So I adjusted it a bit but it was hard as there were no handles to grab onto. So I opened the window a little but before I could reach around to get a better grip down went my fallen hero into the bushes below. So here I am, wearing only boxers, I ran outside laughing all the way to grab my little buddy. Of course wouldn't you know my neighbor would be outside walking her dog. Oh what a sight I must have been. end of funny story..."
HUH?
The man who writes very little except the obvious cave-man phrase: "The feature that captures my attention is...the body."
Pretty much everyone on the the planet meets this man's qualifications, "If you know that MEAN people really and truly do suck, we already have something pretty cool in common."
Have to love the guy's blunt honesty: "It's you or a puppy... Please convince me that spending time with you is a better option then getting a puppy."
But I hope this guy was drunk when he wrote this:
"An unusual partner with the Magic of Buns would be nice, even a (gasp) brainiac. Sorry if this sounds rushed..."
Gotta love the many not so handsome men that want a significant upgrade when it comes to their lover: "She can throw on jeans and a sweatshirt, and be out the door in 30 minutes, yet can turn every head in the room if she wants to. I found I don't have much for photo's of myself..."
Surely to be loyal? "Fireworks commissioner seeks ignitor. My feeling on love-at-first-sight is as Joe Cocker says 'it happens all the time'."
This one had a profile of perfect grammar, at the end, he tries to convince us ladies that he's from Europe. "From Europe, I am here waiting to meet somebody and have fan. Sorry for my gramar but is no´t my language." I'm thinking he might be from Wisconsin.
Tree Hugger Seeks Naughty Pine in Heels
Another man with few, but obvious 'man words': "Describe yourself. Well let's see; I'm a sucker for a pretty face..."
The indecisive: "I really like about 8 women I have seen,just not ready to take that plunge yet.P.s.I look rough and ruggedly handsome per my female friends,,,,I say average,they say HOT!..."
I hope to never know what this means: “are you going to eat your tots?”
"My ideal match would look like Courtney Cox..."Good luck to that fella, another hoping for an upgrade.
"On of my friend tells me: that I'm adorable, great personality, great sense of humor, she also wishes I had an older brother (she's a bit too old for me). She loves my hair and my outlook on life. She is convinced that someday I will make the woman of my choosing the most happy woman in the world. Well, that's only her opinion ... I'm not so sure about all of this myself."
"i'll fill this in later, not really sure what to say about me. with all the questions this thing has asked..i would think there isn't anything left to say..."
So many write this, "I do believe there has to be mutual attraction..." Ah, duh, no kidding.
That just scratches the surface.......In all this, I can sometimes be a little doubtful about love, and I have officially disappeared, gone into hiding, retreated to the world of safety and friendship -- I'm "jumping the courtship", at leas the online version. It's not to say there aren't good men online, but who on the planet wants to sort through all this in a busy life, where arriving at the hard-to-find love instead of the easy-to-get lust seems impossible anyway?
Yet underneath all that, tenacity always wins -- I believe in love and loyalty, in redemption, in change, in hope and in sharing this crazy planet with someone who has the guts to hold on and ride it all out -- I hope for his chivalry, loyalty, his fortitude. I believe in not being a sucker for they easy-to-find shallow half loves-- those men who will hookup on a dime then disappear a few moments later or even months later because they don't have the guts to hang on. On that score, no one "scores" on me, I've been dumped and criticized and verbally bashed, sometimes in horrible ways, for not sleeping with a guy on a date -- so many times that I've lost count -- and sometimes just cowered and cried. But I'll never ever regret turning down what their shallow lust expected -- asking me to shift down to first gear while they put on their training wheels of love. Life is bigger than that, and passion is too. I protect that passion, because for the right man, he deserves it all. And if I go to my grave with loyalty to his heart, that's a love story I'm willing to write.
Meanwhile, I'm going to have a wonderful day, going for a walk, playing my piano, gabbing with friends, catching up on errands, and then trying to finish that book!!! There is no sense in "dating" online when the world is at our feet, I'm gonna take off running. Maybe someday with that great guy . . . who has the patience to know the real stuff. Until then, I still love 'em.
I'm telling you it's an epidemic!!
I couldn't help but laugh as I was reading this...
Though I will say "sometimes you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince"...
And PRAY!!! One of these days, you might read a profile, think Hmmmm, take a chance with a "HI", then when you least expect it, there's a connection.....
Granted, most of the good men are away fixing problems but there is the "net" to communicate over while they have some down time. Trust me on this...
Faith and smiles!
The vision this brings makes me roll with laughter.
Posted by: Ky Woman | January 13, 2008 at 12:58 PM